Dogbert’s Top Secret Management Handbook

On Human Resources

Despite the fact that your soul  abandoned your  body when you  became a manager, there will be  some corporate tasks that are so  horrible, so evil, that you will not  be able to do them yourself.    Other times, you might need to do something cruel, but you won’t want to leave your fingerprints at the scene.  For these situations you need a human resources staff.

Some people are naturally equipped for careers in human resources.  In other cultures these folks would become serial killers or ruthless despots.  But we live in a civilized society, so these irrepressible scamps can channel their talents into the field of human resources instead.

But suppose all the good human resources candidates are dead, imprisoned, or living in Bolivia under an assumed name-what then?

My recommendation is to hire a cat.

Cats seem friendly on the outside, but they don’t care if employees live or die, and they enjoy playing with them before downsizing them.  You can always count on a cat to have good morale.  And that’s important in a company where everyone else is getting gloomy for no apparent reason.

If your company doesn’t have enough irrational or sadistic policies in place already, your human resources group can create some.  Human resources people sit there all day in their squalid cubicles thinking about how they are not part of the “value stream” of the company and thinking of ways to abuse the employees who are.  This situation can lead to entertaining policies that are distributed in huge binders.

In other words, human resources professionals are a lot like your legal staff but without the compassion and verbal skills.

Human resources professionals are trained to enjoy the discomfort of others.  This comes in handy when you have bad news to give to someone, such as downsizing.

One way to downsize someone is to let him know in a professional and unthreatening environment.  For example, you could leave a yellow s ticky note on his chair that says, YOU’RE FIRED.  LEAVE IMMEDIATELY, YOU WORTHLESS DEADWOOD.

But another, less stressful method is to have the human resources department handle the whole thing for you.  That way it’s off your conscience and the human resources staff has some fun too.

It’s a good idea to keep your human resources people busy at tasks such as downsizing and randomly changing the salary plan.  If they have too much time on their paws, they begin inventing policies that could even affect you as a manager.

The human resources job description looks something like this:

  • Prevent the hiring of qualified employees.
  • Close the gap between employment and slavery.
  • Create ever-changing compensation schemes that prevent employees from figuring out how to maximize their income.

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